Be Reasonable!
You can be logical without being reasonable, but you cannot be reasonable without first being logical. But why does it even matter? What makes someone reasonable or unreasonable?
You don't have to live long before hearing someone demand, "be reasonable!" I recently overheard someone else's conversation that sparked a thought on the nature of reasonable behavior—or perhaps better said, "the reasonable life."
Our friends at Merriam-Webster remind us of the definition and meaning of "reasonable." The English language and definition are clear on this word. Sadly, cultural usage of the term has not followed suit. Please stick with me. This won't be as nerdy as it sounds.
Why does it matter?
First, we must recognize that most of us want to be considered reasonable people at some level. No one wants to be labeled as "unreasonable" — and this is good! Even the Bible reminds us to be known for our reasonableness:
5 Let your reasonableness be known to everyone. The Lord is at hand; 6 do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. 7 And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
Philippians 4:5-7 (emphasis mine)
But let's not overlook the cultural pitfalls and misuse of reasonable. In many cases, when asked to "be reasonable," the exclusive meaning is to cease from excessive or extreme position as the other person defines it—sometimes to the neglect of logic or reason. The ask isn't for reasonableness but for neutrality (or even positive support!) at the expense of rational engagement with objective truth.
This neutrality is the great price of our modern reasonableness. Reasonable, fair, and logical discussion (e.g., healthy conflict) is put to death on the altar of zero-tension. Patrick Lencioni describes this cancerous peace as "artificial harmony" in his excellent book, "The Five Dysfunctions of a Team."
Healthy conflict is just that, healthy. People (and ideas) grow as a result. Healthy conflict isn't angry or mean-spirited but willing to discuss opposing ideas and find the best path forward. Without this willingness to reasonably discuss conflict areas, our growth and that of others will be significantly hampered if not halted. If you're a Christian, know that unreasonable behavior reflects poorly on Christ, the Gospel, and other believers.
How can I become a reasonable person?
Neutrality destroys reasonable behavior
Recognize that laying aside beliefs, truth, or logic is not reasonable. If someone asks you to do so, they are compelling you toward neutrality—which they can undoubtedly ask of you—but neutrality and reasonable are not the same. Neutrality is antonymic to reasonable; reason demands a position. You can be logical without being reasonable, but you cannot be reasonable without first being logical.
Do you tend to take the "stay neutral" approach in conversations rather than committing to reason and striving to find the best path forward?
Adopt an open posture toward differing perspectives
Be open to discussing beliefs, truth, and logic. To reason with someone demands that you hold an open posture toward hearing and learning from discussion, explanation, and other perspectives. "Open" does not imply that you will (without adequate evidence and reason) adopt another's viewpoint, only that you will be fair, kind, and logical in hearing them out.
Are you known for a fair and generous mind, or do people tend to shy away from expressing their differing opinions near you?
Lay aside your ego
Ego (AKA pride) is the killer of reason. Instead, bind yourself to a "best path forward" mindset. It's not about your idea versus their idea. It's about finding the best path based on logic, facts, and care for others. Become a defender of truth rather than your perspective; it's freeing to see truth win—even if you initially got it wrong.
Do you find yourself flustered or notice your adrenaline begins to flow (e.g., fight or flight) when contrarian opinions are voiced? These physical cues often indicate that your perspectives are closely linked to your ego.
Gentle to your critics and opposition
Be gentle with those with whom you disagree. One of the core dispositions of the reasonable person is their ability to hold those with whom they differ in a position of gracious care. A gentle spirit does not imply that you now ignore their errors in judgment but that you can still see the human on the other side without disparaging their character.
Do you gossip about others or defame their character? It's one thing to debrief a decision or point of confusion. It's another to attack or slander your critics and dissenters.
Conclusion
The odds are good that you're a highly reasonable person like me in some areas. Yet, if we're honest with one another, we'd confess that our reasonableness doesn't extend to all spheres and relationships.
We cannot change what we are unwilling to admit. We will not improve what we do not identify as an error. If we are to grow, we must call it as it is: that's the only reasonable path forward.